funny bible quotes

Refresh me with apples, sustain me
with raisin cakes, For I am lovesick

And there was a young man named Eutychus sitting on the window sill, sinking
into a deep sleep; and as Paul kept on talking, he was overcome by sleep and fell down
from the third floor and was picked up dead. – Acts 20:9-10
“Would that those who are upsetting you might also castrate themselves!” –Galatians 5:12

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out
of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!”
He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord.
Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. –2 Kings 2:23-24

Then the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah up onto the dry land. – Jonah 2:10
“Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes, which have come up from their washing,
all of which bear twins, and not one among them has lost her young.” – Song of Solomon 4:2

A feast is made for laughter, wine makes life merry, and money is the answer for everything. – Ecclesiastes 10:19

He said to Jacob, “Let me gulp down some of that red stuff; I’m starving.” – Genesis 25:30

“These people are not drunk, as you suppose, for it is only nine o’clock in the morning.” – Acts 2:15

“Refresh me with apples, sustain me with raisin cakes, For I am lovesick.” – Songs 2:4

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. – Proverbs 21:9

Worst of all wounds is that of the heart, worst of all evils is that of a woman. – Sirach 25:12

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. – Proverbs 21:19

Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion. – Proverbs 11:22

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15

“Very well,” he replied, “I allow you cow’s dung in place of human excrement;
bake your bread on that.” – Ezekiel 4:12-15

Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. – Psalms 137:9

When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver
her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him
by the secrets: 12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. – Deuteronomy 25:11

When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver
her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him
by the secrets: 12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. – Deuteronomy 25:11

And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian whom
he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman. – Numbers 12:1

Whosoever hideth her hideth the wind, and the ointment of his right hand,
which bewrayeth itself. – Proverbs 27:15-16

Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was
a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys
and whose emission was like that of horses.– Ezekiel 23:19-20

Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. – Proverbs 31:6

18 Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. 19 Seeing a fig tree
by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never
bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered. 20 When the disciples saw this, they were amazed.
“How did the fig tree wither so quickly?” they asked. 21 Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith
and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain,
‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever
you ask for in prayer.” – Matthew 21:18-22

“11 If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband
from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals,
12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” – Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Then he said to me, “See, I assign to you cow’s dung instead of human dung,
on which you may prepare your bread” – Ezekiel 4:15

“And you shall eat it as a barley cake, baking it in their sight on human dung” – Ezekiel 4:12

But the Rabshakeh said, “Has my master sent me to speak these words to your master and to you, and not
to the men sitting on the wall, who are doomed with you to eat their own dung
and drink their own urine?” – Isaiah 36:12

“You shall have a place outside the camp, and you shall go out to it. And you shall have a trowel
with your tools, and when you sit down outside, you shall dig a hole with it and turn back
and cover up your excrement” – Deuteronomy 23:12-13

And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly.
And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull
the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. – Judges 3:21-22

“I will bring distress on mankind, so that they shall walk like the blind, because they have sinned
against the Lord; their blood shall be poured out like dust, and their flesh like dung” – Zephaniah 1:17

And there was a great famine in Samaria, as they besieged it, until a donkey’s head was sold
for eighty shekels of silver, and the fourth part of a kab of dove’s dung for five shekels of silver. – 2 Kings 6:25

“Speak, Thus declares the Lord: ‘The dead bodies of men shall fall like dung upon the open field, like
sheaves after the reaper, and none shall gather them.’”– Jeremiah 9:22

“And you shall have a trowel with your tools, and when you sit down outside, you shall dig a hole
with it and turn back and cover up your excrement. Because the Lordyour God walks in the midst
of your camp, to deliver you and to give up your enemies before you, therefore your camp must be holy,
so that he may not see anything indecent among you and turn away from you” – Deuteronomy 23:13-14

“How did the fig tree wither so quickly?”

“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you
could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come
under the shelter of my roof”– 11 Genesis 19:8

Then because of the dire straits to which you will be reduced when your enemy
besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom
the Lord has given you. – 10 Deut. 28:53

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his
naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet
and escaped naked. – 8. Mark 14:51

Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife,
he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did
was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also. – 7. Genesis 38:9

[There is] nothing better for a man, [than] that he should eat and drink,
and [that] he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour.
This also I saw, that it [was] from the hand of God. – Ecclesiastes 2:24

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart
the spirit is broken. – Proverbs 15:13

“Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun,
than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days
of his life, which God giveth him under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 8:15

“And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter
looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she
despised him in her heart”. – 2 Samuel 6:16

Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s sake and thine often infirmities. – 1 Timothy 5:23

And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in the streets thereof. – Zechariah 8:5

“And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought
peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to play.” – Exodus 32:6

“See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand!” – Galatians 6:11

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be
reckoned a curse to him. – Proverbs 27:14

At Parbar westward, four at the causeway, and two at Parbar.– 1 Chronicles 26:18

Would that those who are upsetting you might also castrate themselves! Galatians 5:12
No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off
may be admitted into the community of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:2
“Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes, Which have come up from their washing,
All of which bear twins, And not one among them has lost her young” Song of Solomon 4:2